I have lost two children in the past 11 months, so I have two biggest heartbreaks. My son Rowan passed into Jesus' care on August 17, 2009. I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant. At the time I thought it was the saddest day of my life, and I was sure it would never get better. Then, in March of 2010, I found out I was pregnant again. This time would be different, this time we had proper care... However, I have an incompetent cervix, and on June 15, 2010, I was to have a cerclage to help keep the baby where he should be until closer to my due date. But instead, at 17 weeks pregnant, my water broke. I was on bed rest for two weeks and Levi Matthew was born on June 28, 2010, at 19 weeks. He passed away on June 29th. This was the saddest day of my life thus far. Levi reached out and grabbed my hand, took in a few tiny gulps of air and then left me for Heaven. Heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe it.
I wish that everyone knew that my children were in Heaven. It would make meeting new people easier, there wouldn't be that awkward silence when they ask if we have kids... It's so terrible having to ruin someone's day because they ask me about our kids, or the necklace I wear with their names on it. I am not in the business of making others comfortable, and pretending that I'm 'doing okay.' Most days I don't even know what that feels like, but I am also not in the business of ruining days, or making women cry because they feel so sorry for me. So yeah, what I wish is that everyone just knew my story.
I had to think really hard about this...I really like myself. Of course there are physical things that I sometimes wish were different, but really for me I think I'd like to change my worrying habits. I can turn the tiniest bit of nothing into a mountain. I read a quote the other day that said something like, 'making molehills out of mountains.' I'd like to be more like that... I guess it is deeper than worrying, and really my faith that needs the attention. I believe in Jesus, and all that He says, but after the deaths of my babies it has been hard to reign in my worries and keep myself grounded.